Seeking the rhythm

 I started blogging to help me try to understand the rhythms of church life as my husband began training to be an Anglican vicar, after 26 years of marriage to me. Being apart for the best part of the week because of the location of his first curacy, meant that I was only a part-time curate's wife, as I continued to work away and so struggled to come to terms with the life change. Blogging as 'The (Reluctant) Curate's wife' was very therapeutic! Since starting 'The Other Half of being the curate's wife 'blog I have avoided writing about actually being a curate's wife. There have been moments when this has lapsed but mostly I have been trying to look on the positive side to this life change. I love living near the moor. But I wonder how honest I am really being.

Our move from a well established, but more elderly, church on the north coast, to a church that seems to me to have a bit of an identity crisis, has proved challenging.  It makes it very difficult to know how to fit in. I have to laugh about it because last January I was trying to work out what sort of church I felt comfortable with. I read up on different traditions, I blogged about my early church experiences and how they might have influenced me and now I am in a church where I have plenty of choice. There are three Sunday services and each seems to have its own congregation and then there is the Thursday morning congregation. If that doesn't suit, there is a small rural church, a few miles away, that continues with its one service, as it always has done for many,many years . Further away, there is also an ornate, higher Anglican church where I can be sprinkled with Holy water and have delightful conversation with regular attendees.

With so much choice, I am beginning to realise (to my surprise) that I am a bit of a 'middle of the road Anglican'. I have enjoyed the early morning Book of Common Prayer services I have attended. I have enjoyed the sung evensong service and some of the worship style services with their more informal feel. I like a bit of everything! And I would like to meet everyone! It seems to me that a well lead church should be looking for opportunities to draw the congregations together so that they feel like one church. This would then make it easier to invite people to their 'parish church' but at the moment - I don't really know what this church is. 

There was a different (good) feel at Christmas, when more of our neighbours attended the Christmas services but mostly, around where we live, people don't go to the parish church. I don't go to our parish church...much. I'm not there today. I have struggled with some of the teaching. I am not as comfortable with worship songs when they are unknown by the congregation. I do like the music to draw the congregation into the service. Yet I am familiar with and like modern worship songs but so many visitors are not, so they have to be used with care. It is very easy for things to become so familiar to the 'in' crowd that they forget how unfamiliar and exclusive a church can sometimes feel to visitors.  I am not a visitor but I am not settled and I am not sure what to do.

Remembering to keep calm and carry on.

 

How things have changed from a year ago when The Curate preached for the first time at a Remembrance Service. This time last year we didn't know we were going to move parishes and we were struggling with the separation and the difficulties of travelling. I was struggling with being a curate's wife (- not something I ever intended to be). We have been in this parish for six months now and today, The Curate took the Remembrance service as if he was an old hand at it. (Am I allowed to be proud? - Well I was!)

Six months in and I will be honest and say it has not been the easiest of moves for numerous reasons. At least The Curate and I face the ups and downs together and not during elongated telephone calls. I hate the telephone. For much of our  married life (and before), The Curate and I have had to manage with snatched phone calls. He was often away at sea and the telephone calls were so precious. It is much better now with mobile phones and the reduced risk of missing that call that means so much. At college we had a pay phone at the bottom of the stairs of the residential block. To get a phone call,  it relied on someone passing to answer it  - and then it relied on that person knowing you and knowing which room you were in. I was on the top floor so I spent much of my time hanging around the call box waiting for a pre-arranged phone call from Curate to be. Oh the angst if someone else was using the phone at our pre-arranged time! I do hate telephones.

As to settling in here .....? The moor is fantastic and, as you will see from this blog, we make the most of it (I did enjoy yesterday) but we do miss the sea. At this time of year, I leave home in the dark and arrive back in the dark and I need to be outside. I love wide open spaces, natural light and fresh air and to be physically active - perhaps it is time for a job change. I do hate being in rooms with fluorescent lights on all day.

The Curate and I both find it difficult not to look to the next move and we both want to just settle and make a home. I feel in limbo and feel as if I am only going through the mechanics of living and working, without any passion. I miss not having a rip roaring laugh with friends. I miss the cosy, open fires we have in our old, family home. I miss cups of coffee with close friends where anything said is understood. I'm tired of walking on egg shells for fear of not saying the correct thing. I'm tired of not being able to be me.  Knowing that there is another change in the not too distance future, is probably preventing me from getting involved or letting people get too close. I hate the process of leaving places.  

Well - that's three hates in one blog! I'm obviously not doing very well with the Positivity approach. 'Hate' is a strong word to use - 'dislike' is probably not strong enough. It was a good morning and there is no going back - so it's a case of 'Keep calm and carry on'.

PS. Thank you Anita, for recommending Ann Voskamp's blog 'What is Success? Life in the Upside Down Kingdom'.